In the beginning of the year, i still felt broken. Every time i looked at the scars that had not gone disappear from my arms, my heart hurt and regret mostly about everything.
It was probably the first time i spent new years in a classy hotel in Indonesia. I had a heavy feeling going back to switzerland, i wanted to get out of the school as soon as possible.
But it turned out that i received a letter 2 days before graduation day that i had to do summer session because my credit didnt meet the passing requirement. I felt even more sad. I knew why. And i regret more everything i did particularly during autumn 2010.
My heart was comforted a little by my special guest who attended my graduation. It was half awkward though since he brought his girlfriend along to montreux. I was not allowed to say anything. or cry. All i could do was watching them hugging each other tight... and i must smiled. Too bad i got sick on the same day. After the ceremony, i dropped and i just spent the whole day in my bed alone and my room mate who left to her country already.
I moved to geneva right away. No one offered me help carrying 3 luggages alone. I was completely a stranger in that stupid city. I unpacked my stuff all by myself to my new place that i found very last minute. Sleeping on a new mattress, i closed my eye thinking who i could contact at times like this. Contacted someone. He refused to come.
So, i felt lonely.
I felt very lonely.
I started off my internship quite smoothly in the first couple of months. I got into a fight that somebody spitted on me. I carried pepper spray every now and then since that incident.
My health was declining slowly but sure. One day it got worse i lost my eyesight in one second and i had to bend over in a corner of a busy street in cornavin.
My boss thought i was a liar. She said all the mean things a human could say and i immediately resigned from that place.
I had anemia, a serious one. I was obliged to drink a lot of pills each day and went to hospital every 2 weeks.
My grandfather died. When i knew it i had no one i could hug. I was sitting alone outside the cathedrale crying and there was a homeless guy tapped my shoulder and said that everything would be just fine.
I started to deny my feeling to someone, because he also tried so hard to deny me. My spirit came back when a hotel from USA offered me a position. I prepared all the documents needed for visa.
But one day i got a great fever with a very strong headache. I shivered mostly at night and my whole mouth wasnt feeling ok. I crawled to go to toilet. And i hit my head in the sink because of the headache.
I had HSV type 1. I couldnt eat for 10 days and it affected my stomach acid went up to my chest. Suddenly i had another disease in me, heartburns. I lost breath every now and then. I had to hit my chest so hard so i could breath normal again.
It took 2 months to recover. USA rejected me because of my health condition. . I felt so crushed what i'd been dreaming for at least for 5 years now just flew away in a short time.
But i moved on. I was still a happy girl. My heart broke into pieces when i went to Nice and Monaco. Every time i remember it i just pull my hair and the feeling of being hurt always come back. I just always want to cry.
In the end i finally made it back to Indonesia. The guy that means so much to me was also there, and i was very happy. After everything happened in one year, he had been there for me and i'm just so grateful for having him. I don't know what to do with myself if he is gone.
I had the chance to see hongkong and mainland china. Good to put in countries "ive been to" list, but definitely hongkong was such a disaster place to live. and china was just too fake.
One day before i came back to switzerland, i was crying 24 hours because i had no spirit to come back to a country that hurt me so much lately. I got robbed a week ago; i lost my camera and my macbook. All these chemo sessions that was just a pain in the ass, i feared a lot of things. I tried to limit my friends to asian base, i don't know why. I feel like i want to have fun with asian dinner and not russian vodka. I'm very happy with my classmates because with them i can laugh during the day and even with my leg condition i am still given the chance to dance like nothing is wrong with my knee. I'm so so so happy with all my Christmas market sessions this month, spend few hours or weekend with him, rehearse the dance, eating hotpot together, taking silly photos together, going shopping with my close friends, working on projects and still having fun, they are just little things that make me smile most of the day and forget about all the shit things sum up in one year :)
It's absolutely not a great year, not a year full of happiness. As a matter of fact, i cried a little too much. But like always, every year, i always hope for the better. It doesnt have to start in 2012. But i'm just hoping, that my health will be ok again and to all the people that i really care about, you should know that i love having you in my life and if you have intention to hurt me, please know that i don't deserve it ..
Rani out from this blog.
