Looking back at the past, this time of month last year was the time when i hit the rock bottom until i came back to my ridiculous thought that it's better to feel the pain physically then torturing my mind so i did few times of self mutilation that in the end forced me to go to a psychiatrist. Today the teacher who was supervising EVERYTHING i did last year had me for my defense. She asked if things has got better in a year. She said she was glad to see that i am back in the business. In some ways, yes I am a lot happier than last year. It was the year when people did not really mind to fuck me up mentally, then this year is pretty much a year where there was no single month that i didn't have to go to doctor and hospital. So, it's a little bit different feeling.
November 2011
- Wednesday, November 02, 2011
But anyway. That woman, the psychiatrist thing, she told me to change my expectation about the world. Man i still remember everything she said and even until now i think it was all total bs. She said by reading my personality, i trust easily. Well i guess after people that i really love lie to me often then i guess it has changed a little bit but i still believe everyone needs to be trusted.
That woman scheduled appointments to change my perspective that nothing in this world is fair, and i should stop seeking for justice, or i will suffer more. I didn't go. I believe what i believe. If you think all people are going to hurt you, and fairness doesn't exist, what kind of fucked up experienced you have been through?
I mean i just dont get it. even until now. I think about it again because tonight i saw the photos of the scars in my wrist and it reminds me of everything. These scars have some stories behind it. No one knows what happened to me. All that everyone who knows i hurt myself basically only says that i am stupid for doing it. and i guess now i know the people who are thinking to keep distant because i am such a drama queen looking for attention. But hey, it took a lot of courage to admit my disorder and wanting to fix it. and yet admit it you still have low opinion about me.
For me i am a sucker for world's class problem. I'm not strong and i'm not a move on type. I still believe everyone can be trusted and i just want to be nice to everyone because i want everyone to be nice to me. But you use me for something else.
